SHUT THE F*CK UP!

SHUT THE F*CK UP!

All right here is the deal, Subway “restaurants” have officially solidified their position as the most annoying advertiser on earth. Speaking of solidified have you ever created a solid ummm stool (feces) after eating at a Subway “restaurant”? No, you haven’t it is impossible. It is impossible because each and every Subway “restaurant” is at least 7-10 degrees too warm or cold depending on the season. No matter where the hell you are, it is hot in the summer the meat is sweaty and often spoiled, in the winter they try to save on heat, it is freezing, not to mention the subs are terrible. They are so awful for many reasons the first of which being their absolute refusal to slice THE BREAD ALL THE WAY IN HALF. God dammit the beauty of a sub a delicious hunk of gabagool, “gabaGO” is the marriage of bread, meat, cheese, and vegetables. Subway “restaurants” have divorced the meat from the vegetables by said refusal to slice said motherf*cking bread. SLICE THE BREAD IN HALF. If you go into a Subway “restaurant” and ask them “please slice the bread all the way in half,” the employees become very confused, rude, and extremely frustrated; invariably blowing upwards into their shit*y unnetted dirty hair cuts. Is it so much to ask? Okay so what I mean it is fast food, right? Don’t call it a f*cking restaurant please, thanks. So I mean one cannot expect gourmet delicious subs, real italian with capicolla prosciutto and salami, oil and vinegar and not italian dressing et cetera on and on. The food sucks lah lah, who cares move on and don’t go there right, no big deal, and no reason to harp on it and be a naysayer… I would leave them alone if they would just leave me alone! A brief history of Subway “restaurant” ad campaign: Subway exploded one the scene like diarrhea ten years ago with my friend and yours “JARED” yeeeeeeah Jared. At first it was fine, ‘hey did you hear about that guy who lost all that weight eating at Subway “restaurants”‘? Yeah yeah, coooooool man. Then Jared got cocky, started holding up his old pair of pants, doing GQ style before and after photo shoots, he used his celebrity to have sex with women, attend sporting events, walk the red carpet, kick it with celebs in lame commercials like the renounced beauty queen tiki barber, and the BUS Jerome Bettis. Jared wouldn’t go away, he got a taste of the good life, and how many subway subs do you think Jared eats now? You wanna know something, dear reader, dear friend, I have a little theory…JARED IS A PAID ACTOR!!! Subway is a huge corporation, why not put an ad out, stick out their giant tentacles give a little “corporation in search of actor who has lost 250,000 pounds to be face of ads” boom, Jared is born. I mean come on, look at his on screen presence, you think a previously obese person would have so much self confidence, such positivism, ability to annunciate, healthy hair and skin et cetera it’s all bullshit, no way his story is true. But okay, one or two annoying campaigns, however successful we can’t really HATE HATE them. Oh but now things are getting worse. Tell me if you’ve ever heard the phrase, “FIVE, FIVE DOLLAR…FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LOOOOOOOOOONG” absolutely disgusting. It’s everywhere, everyday, all day long, I’m almost begging for Jared to come back. So whatever if it bothers me so much change the channel, or stop watching goddamn television…that is fine. But they have now begun to destroy the English language. They have taken the reigns of the English language and developed mutant words to falsely describe the taste of their subs. You’ve heard the cross-breed slang how about “temptelicious” a combination of tempting and delicious, neither of these words apply to Subway “restaurants” and especially that mutant word above, don’t mess with the English language like that; don’t twist the beauty for your own benefit. I’ve been trying to think of the other made up words and have now lost my rhythm. While were on the subject though Pizza hut is getting in the game with its Tuscany pasta. This should be pronounced (Tus-kun-ee) but pizza hut believes they are classing it up by saying (Tus-cahn-ee) and that too is ridiculous. All right, sorry, but if you ever have to go to Subway ask them seriously to cut your bread all the way in half, I promise it will make you laugh. chuch